Frostival
by WestCoastTrees
Summary: Eli asks Clare a question at frostival that he simply must have an answer to. But will it be the answer he's hoping for?


[Disclaimer: I really don't blame or care that Clare left Eli the way she did, it was very obvious to me she was done with him long before the hospital scene. I don't think she should have stayed with him as his girlfriend because she simply didn't like him anymore, so don't misinterpret these lines and attack me. I have ve worked with kids like Eli in the real world all throughout my undergrad degree at a centre that helped them be the best they could and I currently work in the legal profession in Canada so i have enough perspective I feel. BUT I do think that it would be a nice touch for Clare to just say something along the following lines, just to bring back some of her kindness. Some of us want a huge gesture of redeemal on her part, and I do too, but something like this would be enough for me]

[At frostival, Eli is standing in the road when Clare walks, turns around and looks shocked to see him]

Clare: Eli [slight gasp]

Eli: Hey. Having fun?

Clare [softly]: Yeah. Everything looks so pretty.

Eli [chuckles]: Yeah, Fiona really outdid herself. She's been working so hard on this event, her last chance to leave Degrassi with a bang she said. I knew she'd deliver. Her and Imogen have been working on it non-stop.

Clare [thoughtfully]: You spend a lot of time with them, don't you?

Eli: We're friends, um, got to know each other better last semester.

Clare [jealously bursts out]: BUT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE BROKEN UP WITH HER!

Eli [shocked and taken aback]: Um, yeah…but that doesn't mean that we still can't be friends and hang out.

Clare: WHY NOT?

Eli [sighs]: Because….she still wanted to be my friend [looks Clare right in the eye and Clare looks ashamed].

Clare: She told you that?

Eli: Yes. We…um, our break-up wasn't the best. [smirks] In my traditional style, of course. I was stupid, got jealous like I always do. Then I found out there was more to everything that I first thought. But…she had to be happy, all I want is for her to be happy, so we called it off…so she could pursue…other interests. But she told me that she's always need me in her corner, no matter what, so I can um….protect her and stuff. She said that [emphatically].

Clare [nods sadly]. Oh. Well, um, she's a lucky girl.

Eli [looks at Clare thoughtfully]: So, um did you get your English final back?

Clare: Yes. I got an A.

Eli [excitedly]: Oh, see! I KNEW you could do it!

Clare [emotionally]: But I couldn't have. Not without you. You saved me. The only reason I was ever able to catch up on everything was because you put aside everything you had to do at finals to help me.

Eli: Don't say that. You're completely brilliant, you don't need anyone to make you smarter, Clare.

Clare: Really? [tearfully] Then why was I almost failing my best class?

Eli: Because…you never told me so I never knew…but I think other things were going on with you. Things that made it hard to focus on school. With your family. With….[hesitates]…with Jake.

Clare nods, embrassed, unable to say any words.

Eli: You should tell your mom how you feel. I know I told you this before, when we were doing homework together, but I know how hard it can be. Clare, my life never really came together until AFTER I talked to my dad about everything. And I mean really talked to him, you know? After that…it just felt so good, you know? To not be carrying around all this worry on my own. I think….I just think…that it's really important to always let one other person know what you are feeling. Otherwise it becomes too much and you feel like you are living in a hurricane while everyone else around you is just saying 'what a nice day'.

Clare [looks up at him]: I know how that feels.

Eli: You have to tell her, Clare. There's noone better to understand than your mom. I know I haven't spent a lot of time with her, but the little time that I did…it was obvious to me that she cared for you so much, Clare. She'll always love you. All she wants to do is protect you.

Clare looks up at him with slight intrigue.

Clare: I…I talked to her, Eli. And you were right. It helped. A lot.

Eli: And…Jake?

Clare: Ugh. Jake. He's off with Jenna somewhere right now. Don't be surprised if she has another baby soon.

Eli [widens eyes]: Um…okay [uncomfortably]. I'm sorry, Clare. I know you really loved him and it just doesn't seem fair. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know words can't heal that hurt. Just know that pain like that is very real…so screw everyone who asks why can't you just get over it. It's very real, and it you're lucky, fast [shrugs].

Clare: I don't have feelings for him anymore. I just…I couldn't understand why he just stopped loving me. My mom said…she said he never did, you know.

[Eli decides best thing to do in response to Clare's last comment is just to stay quiet]

Clare: She said that he was not for me. She said he isn't the type of boy I should be with, and that I'm lucky Jake turned out to be not such a bad guy in the end.

[Eli just stays quiet and watches her in shock]

Clare: She said I could have met someone much, much worse and that by not telling her who I was dating I put myself - and our entire family - at risk. She said that like all nice girls do sometimes, I lost my head for a while.

Eli [looks right at her]: It doesn't matter if you lose it for a little bit as long as you get it back.

Clare: She said that…she said that I was in over my head by dating a guy like Jake, and that I never even realized it. She said that…it was a mistake to date him and that I lost my mind when I was with him. And you know what? [softly] Sbe was right.

Eli [painfully]: Clare, it's okay. You're all right now. It's okay. The girl I knew was fearless and strong. You can beat this!

Clare: Stop it, Eli! Just stop it. STOP BEING SO NICE TO ME, I DON'T DESERVE IT. Do you even know what kind of person I am, right now? Do you even know?

[Eli, shocked, just looks at her]

Clare: I lost my best friend of years and didn't even think twice about it - all I cared about was that I had my stupid boyfriend! It's a miracle Adam even talks to me - all I did last semester was be so self-centred! How am I even still on newspaper after writing an article about a play that you carried by yourself - from the writing to the last monologue- and not even mentioning you? I lied to my mom, Eli! Over and over again, and I almost had sex with a boy who never loved me! I lost every ounce of self esteem I ever had, Eli. And you know what the thing is? I can't make excuses for myself anymore. I'm sixteen years old, Eli - not six. So don't stand here and be so nice to me - I don't deserve it.

Eli [softly]: Clare…you're wrong. You deserve…everything.

Clare: All I know is that I've never felt more like myself and…better than in the past week. When I've been doing my homework…with…with you.

Eli [shocked, decides to take a leap of faith]: Clare…do you ever think we could pick up where we left off?

[Clare looks shell shocked]

Eli: Please…I have to know. Just tell me, okay?

[Clare doesn't speak for a long time]

Clare: Friends? You mean friends?

Eli: Clare…you know I can't just be your friend. I can't sit around and watch you date guy after guy and listen to what you did with them the night before. I just can't. Don't you see? Clare….don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't just be your friend. I can't…I can't watch you from a distance while you're dating other guys. This past week, I've felt things that I promised myself I would never let myself feel around you. You, Clare, are the love of my life…and I can't leave without just getting an answer. I have to know. I can't leave you tonight without knowing. But…Clare….you're…you're constantly leaving me. You walk away from this [gestures between them] when you want, you come back when you want. And…you don't do this with everyone. With anyone, really. You don't do this with your friends, you don't do this with Jake. You don't do it with any of them. Only me. You only leave me. But…this week something happened, and we both know it. Don't you tell me I'm crazy and that I'm the only one who saw it and felt it, because that's not right - or fair - and we both know it. We both know it, Clare! Everyone expects it. But you're always leaving me, and I'm okay with you leaving and walking away tonight - I've learned how to deal, so don't let fear make or break your call. I'll be fine. All I need is an answer. I love you, Clare, but you walk away when you want, you come back when you want - and you only do this to me. So I'm asking you, if you don't see a future for us…if you're not in this as more than friends…please…please just end everything, right now. Please just end it, because I can't - the ball is in your court, Clare. But I'm in it - I'm in it - I'm all in, Clare. I can be a better man for you, I know I can. I will fight so hard to always make you happy. But just…if that's not what you want, please just end this. [with red eyes] Please put me out of my misery.

[Clare watches him frozen, then her body jumps with a flinch]

Clare: Eli [softly] You're…Please don't take this the wrong way, but…you're wrong. Nothing has been happening the past week except you helping me with homework. If there have been feelings…they're been one-sided only. Eli…no…you're perceiving things wrong…no one else expects it…no one has seen it this way…but you.

[Eli exhales and shuts his eyes tightly before opening them and he looks not only devastated, but also angry]

Eli: No one but me, huh? Because I'm just some crazy quack? Blew it all up in my mind, didn't I? That's such bullshit, Clare! If I'm the only one than how come Adam told me 'she's sending you signals, man'? How come Fiona and Imogen both warned me that you're playing with me? Were they right, Clare? Were they? Don't give me that bullshit! [exhales deeply] I think I deserve a little better than that.

Clare [shaky voice]: Eli, what do you want me to say?

Eli: The only thing I've ever asked of you. The truth, Clare. The truth. Don't take the easy way out - don't just call me crazy. I'd like to think the girl I love is better than that.

Clare [frustrated]: Eli, it's not my fault you're like obsessed with me or something!

Eli [gaps and shakes his head]: Got it, point taken. Have a fun rest of your night. Sorry I dared to have feelings around you again. You don't have to worry about me bothering you anymore, Clare. I'll stay away, you won't even ever see me again. I get it. I understand. [Clare can tell that he is angry].

[Eli walks away with determination].

[Clare turns around and breathes deeply, watching his receding figure].

[She all of a sudden jolts as the vision of a life without Eli - in the smallest capacity - consumes her].

Clare [yelling]: Eli!

[He keeps walking]

Clare [her cries getting desperate]: Eli Wait! Come back! Come back!

[He only walks faster, so Clare starts running after him].

Clare [screaming loudly]: Eli, no, don't! Wait!

Eli [turns around as Clare catches up with him]: No! No more, Clare! [she can see that he is crying]. I can't do this anymore! I have no energy left! All you do is leave me! You will never love me like I love you so just leave me alone so I can heal once and for all! I get it now, Clare [she hears his voice break]. I get it. I finally get it. I'm never gonna be good enough for you, am I?

[Clare looks at him with pain in her eyes].

Clare [shakily]: Don't say that.

Eli [with conviction]: But it's the truth! No matter what I do, I will never be good enough for you! All I ever wanted was a chance to work with you, to write with you, to just have fun together and work for each other! And Goddamn it, to protect you Clare! All I ever wanted was to be a good boyfriend! To treat you right! I never wanted you to ever be sad again! But you don't want me! I'll never be good enough for you. All you do, time and time again, is leave me….[struggles to find the right word]…hollow.

Clare [in a whisper]: You said to tell you the truth. Will you give me a chance to?

Eli [impatiently]: I can't stand here and listen to you call me crazy again! Do you think I like being this way? Do you think I asked to be bipolar? It's not some romantic writers' standard - it's not like my therapist said 'oh Eli, it's okay, Hemingway was bipolar too'. So what? Hemingway also wrote the greatest American novels in his life! All I do is hurt the ones I love. I didn't ask for this - I didn't ask to kill Julia, all I ever wanted to do was protect her from her abusive stepmom! Instead I killed her. I didn't ask for Fitz's creepy eye to fall on you obsessively - I didn't ask to have that psycho almost stab me! [exhales, sounds exhausted] I didn't ask to love you with everything I have…I didn't ask to give you all my love so all you could give me back was good-bye. So, no, I don't want to stand here and listen to you call me suffocating and crazy again! I've worked hard to change my life, Clare, and it looks to me like you don't even know the slightest thing about it now. But it doesn't matter. To you, I'll always be crazy and all wrong. I'm never gonna be good enough for you!

Clare: That's not what I wanted to say! [yells] Do you the reason why this is so Goddamn hard for me?

Eli: Because you can't be rational with a crazy person, right? Never know what they're gonna do! [sarcastically]

Clare [bursts into tears, Eli is shocked and stands frozen at the sight]: No, you dummy! You don't get it, Eli! You are the one who does not get it! You want to know why I said no? FINE, I'LL TELL YOU!

Clare [chest heaving through her tears]: I said no because I can't forgive myself, Eli! Ever! Don't you remember what happened? I left you, Eli! I left you - you were my best friend, Eli, - and I left you as a friend that night too! What kind of a friend does that? I could have gone back to you - even after the break, there was still time for us! But I chose to run to the first shirtless guy I saw instead! BECAUSE IT WAS EASIER THAN HELPING YOU! BECAUSE IT'S SO MUCH EASIER, DAMN IT, TO IGNORE OTHERS' FEELINGS, SO MUCH EASIER TO BE MEAN AND INSENSITIVE AND COLD THAN IT IS TO BE NICE, TO BE ALL THOSE THINGS THAT YOU SAY I AM AND I'M JUST NOT! Eli….I said no because I…[tearfully]…because I left you when you needed me the most and I'll never forgive myself, Eli! Never! That is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life! [chest shaking powerfully] Because you gave me all your love and all I did was toss you to the side! I said no because I left you when you needed me most and I won't ever be able to forgive myself! I said no because…why should I get to be happy with you? Why do I deserve to be with you after everything I put you through? After Jake? Why…why do I always take and take from you - what kind of a way is this to start a relationship? That's why I said no - because I can't ever forgive myself!

[Eli stands shell shocked, having just heard something he never imagined Clare to ever say]

[Clare is shaking from her tears, and Eli takes a step forward until she is so close that as she looks up at him, the cold Toronto air makes the air from their breaths mix]

[He gently draws her chin up and looks at her full of conviction]

Eli: Clare…I don't blame you for leaving me. I never did. I just got hurt because you have been giving me mixed messages. But I don't blame you for that night and I never will. There is nothing to forgive….sweetheart.

Clare [looks up at him full of hope when she hears him say 'sweetheart']: You don't?

Eli: You know I don't.

Clare [softly]: I don't.

Eli: So please promise me that that was the last time you'll ever think such thoughts - ever again. Promise me.

Clare [softly, resting her hands on top of his]: I promise [in a whisper].

Clare [in another whisper]: Hug me.

Eli smirks and gently pulls her in, patting her soft curls and settling her loose hat more snugly on her head. She feels his hands travel to her shoulders and hold her gently but so tightly at the same time, and he feels her hands snake around to his back. Clare holds him tightly and when she snuggles her head into his chest, Eli hears her giggle, making his heart beat faster, the rhythm jumping through his shirt and making Clare detect it.

Clare [sighs contently] Eli…there's nothing in this world like a hug from you. It can just…melt all my worries away. I feel like…as long as I'm hugging you…nothing bad can happen.

Eli smugly smirks.

Eli: It won't. I've got you, Clare. I won't let any more bad things happen to you, I promise.

Clare [pulls out just a little]: But I don't just want a hug [cheeky smile]. I want…I want a kiss. I want a new first kiss for us…maybe one that can be my last first kiss…ever [looks up at Eli meaningfully]. I'm sorry I was so mean earlier. Eli…I want to change. I want…I want to be worthy of the love you give me.

Eli [emotionally, as he is settling her curls back underneath her hat]: Oh, Clare…I wouldn't change one hair on your head. I love you.

Clare [sighs in teary happiness]: I love you too. I swear I do. I mean it, Eli. I love you. [giggles] Now kiss me!

Eli obliges.


End file.
